I am not as bold and confident, as it seems all the time. Inside me there is a timid, little, naive, shy and innocent girl who wishes to be loved, to be taken care of, who awaits to break down in a single hug. I confess I cry, I cry a lot. Sounds strange, right? Everyone speaks of me as a girl who makes everything okay, who makes everyone smile. People look up to me, when they are sad, when things go wrong with them. That doesn't mean, I have had no breakdowns. I do get weak, and I do feel the necessity of being wrapped up in someone’s arms. I have dated guys, tried to build relationships, thinks didn't work out then. You might want to know why? What always happens.. Life! I admit I have made wrong choices, well who doesn't. Have you ever felt like a loser, ever felt that emptiness in a room full of men? I confess, I have been rude, moody, mean to people who loved me, that doesn't mean I never loved them. Maybe, then the love was gone. Maybe I tried too hard to save myself from all this mess, from being in this feeling of loving anyone so much. Because somewhere, sometime I knew, forever doesn't exist and I must recede from a love black-hole.
I have had crushes before, to who I have never reciprocated, because I was meek and shy too. I've waited my whole life to find a man, who gets me weak in the knees, I found such a man. Sometimes again, I feel, that I should not be weak, I need to be strong! Have you ever had this feeling that, "this time things will be perfectly fine". I'll give my best again. But then no matter how hard you try, things go wrong. I am not always right, never close to perfection, I do stupid things- I go drinking alone and drink as much as to sleep the rest of the day, I drip tears and take pictures of me, watch then later and smile, I sit by the window after half past three and try to find stars in the sky to make wishes on, I walk out all messy, looking wasted & saying, 'yeah fuck you too', I take a cab(auto) not knowing where to go, and go spend half my money on things I never use.
Sometimes my water proof liner smudges too, my lipstick is not always perfect, and neither is my hair always wavy and sparkly. Sometimes, I do it all, for people to hate me. I have never tried to fool people, they have made an image for me, and they try to fit me into it. I've just let them fool themselves. Making a image for yourself, is always better than letting people go ahead and do it for you. They call me a heart breaker, oh yes, 'do you know my part of the story?' No, you don't know that I've shed a thousand tears too, spent the whole night hugging my pillow tight, waiting for a better tomorrow. I believe people, yes, again and again. Trust them with my life, and there they go crushing and stomping on my faith in them with their heads up high. Yes, I've made wrong friends, people who didn't deserve me at my best. I also get carried away easily, because I still believe that there is too less time in our lives to actually live it, not merely exist. Life's too short to love, how could I find time to hate anyone. I've disliked very few people till twenty years of my existence on this planet. Reasons weren't that they didn't like me, but because they were some, who cannot like anyone entirely, can never be loyal to one person whole of their lives. I do not comment on anyone's character even if it’s not socially acceptable, because I know I haven't always been right and people have judged me on my idiosyncrasies like they do to everyone else. When you point a finger on me, remember that you have four fingers towards you, and act accordingly. I like when a man cries in front of me, it doesn't make him weak. I feel overwhelmed that the grace of a woman can melt the heart of a man. I also like when people confide to me, it makes me feel that I am trusted, and that I must never be a hypocrite. What I say, and what I feel are entirely two different things, if you like me, you must know that about me. Sometimes, I might be hurting inside, but I would never show. Sometimes, I want people to ask me to speak the truth, when I say that everything is alright. When I love someone (not just lovers, friends, some random people) I love them with all I can, trusting them is my decision, proving me right or wrong is theirs. I want to be everything, a writer, an artist, a singer, a dancer, do law, work in a corporate hub, be a news reporter, write journals for papers, dig out history as an archaeologist, be a producer, own a boutique, design shoes, be a good daughter, maybe a wife someday too. I know I am crazy, but life is boring otherwise, isn't it?
I never wanted to be any different than this. I don't want to apologize for saying what I feel, that would be like being sorry for being real.
